精析GRE外国考生ISSUE高分作文特色

2015年09月09日13:33 来源：小站教育作者：jennifer_z: 参与（0）阅读（4970）

摘要：很多同学写完issue以后都没有回顾一下自己的文章，写完就放在一边了。这样对于提高没有用处。今后我们会不间断的放出一些Jennifer老师的评改文章。都是针对真实的考生的习作。也欢迎大家去小站的GRE综合交流区发自己的文章。

继续之前的一篇习作评讲，今天给大家讲解一篇新的作文。和上一篇比起来，这篇文章又出现了一些新的但是非常严重的考生经常会犯的错误。

如果大家有自己的文章需要Jennifer老师点评，可以去GRE综合交流区发布自己的文章：http://bbs.zhan.com/forum-120-1.html

本次的这篇issue的题目如下：

Claim: Even though young people often receive the advice to follow your dreams, more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals.

Reason: Many peopleâ€™s dreams are inherently selfish.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim AND the reason on which that claim is based.

学生习作：

Follow your dreams is an inspirational quote to urge youngsters to follow their goals,passion.These dreams are usually about having a successful career, lifestyle,becoming like role models.Though it may appear selfish it is personal goals, passion, concerns,hobbies.These goals are worthy enough from individual perspective.Picking worthy goals such as community development,bringing in changes in society like to fight for a cause ,demands courage,involves hardship, lot of risks.

Follow your dreams will motivate yougsters to do hardwork, overcome their barriers, difficulties on the way to fullfill their dreams.There will be many lessons learnt on their way to achieve those dreams.For example, sincerity, focus, patience, persistent, since nothing comes easy in this world.If the dreams come true that would be the culmination of their pursuits.They will be repleted with joy, happiness, positive energy.

There are personalities in history where in people have picked worthy goals and been succesful.Famous personality like B.R ambedkar who was indian jurist campaigned against social discrmination, caste system.Coming from a poor family , being treated as untouchables,his father encouraged him to study well and work hard. At school,he was not assisted by teacher, not allowed to sit with other students . Inspite of all this adversities, he managed to become a jurist and uplifted untouchable to educate them.This takes lot of responsibility,courage,risk, painstaking effort to achieve such goals.Majority youngsters are not ready to take such risk, responsibilities,lack courage to do it.

Contrast to the above claim,there are many hapless youngsters who cannot follow thier dreams.Consider families stricken by problems of poverty, deceased family members, poor economic conditions. In such hostile conditions where it is very difficult to even attain the basic necessities of food,cloth, housing "follow your dreams" would be distant.From a common man perspective he will only advice his kids/youngster in the family to study well, take up job to improve their economic conditions.In such families , youngster have no choices other than to suppress their dreams, desire, passion.

老师点评：

第一，这篇文章的语法错误很多。

比如“Though it may appear selfish it is personal goals, passion, concerns, hobbies."

这句话里面，首先it是什么?如果是指dreams，那么应该是they。所以it指代不明。另外，为什么用though，这里的转折语气怎么体现的?怎么就和personal goals, passion, concerns, hobbies成相反的意思了呢?

另外再比如：Follow your dreams will motivate youngster to do hardwork, overcome their barriers, difficulties on the way to fulfill their dreams.

这里的问题是，不是follow your dreams来motivates。人们是为了follow dreams然后motivate自己。先后因果就反了。

第二，除了语法问题，另外这篇文章的立场一致不鲜明。你必须要在一开头就摆明自己的观点：

a) "I agree that emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals, not simply following dreams"

or b) I disagree, and believe that telling kids to follow their dreams is just fine.

第三，你的议论逻辑很混乱。最后一段说到人们没有follow their dreams. 这个和话题无关。你应该说的是：whether people should be told to follow their dreams, or to focus on something less selfish.

第四，你缺少一个结尾。这篇文章结束的太草率了。

以上就是我的点评。